#it’s longer than taking the train
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I hate when ppl are right about exercise helping
I rode my bike to and form school today and I felt the best I’ve had in months.
I took a bath afterwards and it was the best bath in the whole world it felt like my muscles were melting
#ramblings#it’s longer than taking the train#and the green way is shut down for renovation so it extends my path#but tbh I really liked it and I think I’m gonna do it more often#I used to bike every day and everywhere but I stopped once I changed jobs#now I remember why I loved biking so much it makes me great
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stan twins the canon cptsd brothers i will always think about all your unaddressed issues that would make perfect plot fuel for your spinoff
and also the whole 'stan getting that poem by bill via a website which contrasts with bill getting one from the axolotl via a website' foreshadowing thing
like idk i would love something like su future but like more optimistic, aka not an accumulated breakdown that has to be mostly resolved off screen at the end :/// but something thats being kinda addressed throughout? (although would love to see one of them turn into a monster thats always fun lol)
stan having severe issues from his dad and those years of being homeless that we keep on getting more info on but never really getting confronted on (the drifter catalogue and tijuana incident...), him being completely alone for like twenty years when running the shack before soos comes along to the point that 1998 is noted as his low point, and him not really learning about bill+what he did to ford until ages after he killed him if he ever did get the full context
while i think amnesia and everyone seeing him as a hero actually helped with stan's 'i'm a worse version of my brother' thing its still a lingering issue too and we now got him being insecure over his own hands
ford being immediately thrown from 'being tortured by bill' to 'being stuck in the multiverse and being chased by bounty hunters constantly', him fully expecting himself to die when destroying bill, and him only now being safe for the first time in 30 years ....relatively safe, he's still in constant danger because of course he is
idk in the end the series wants them to be happy and they deserve it, its why i wasn't too worried about the book being like 'ooh bill is back!! and the book is haunting ford' thing cos i knew they'll be ok
#stan pines#ford pines#stanley pines#stanford pines#gravity falls#stan twins#as for the 'still on your mind' thing to me its stan literally thinking about bill despite ford resolving to move past it#or alternatively me on my same coin theory obsession lmao#me yelling and screaming at ouroboros being used to link to the axolotl and bill and how ford didn't actually keep it#which brings up even more questions about it reappearing in the shack when stan takes over#of course even if him realising about reincarnation being a thing i think its still way less to deal with than his actual issues#something something a same soul doesnt mean much when he already proved himself a better person a million times over#idk my thoughts on reincarnation as a concept is like eh??? anyway#also completely unrelated but stan writing fanfic means he knows what soos meant when he was talking about stan fics#soos seems like a gen fic writer especially with the ones we got as those promos#the train one where he comes up with a giant backstory for the setting that has nothing to do with the fic bros is super funny#but meanwhile we have stan the canonical smut writer who had to be writing it that summer#would he be a self insert shipper? would he projecting on the duchess instead? is he both???#i have many questions#then again judging from hows theres a wedding scene that he got super emotional over he might just be a shipper????#this has nothing to do with my original post#...or does it cos the axolotl last appears reacting to stan freaking out about count li--#anyway if you think this post is longer than my usual its cos i physically made myself delete most tags and put it in the actual post
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Okay, look. I am unbearably exhausted right now. I don't care if I posted this before. I don't care if not everyone has seen this "canon" Peppina. Look at them.
Look at the only T4T rep that matters.
These are, once again, old and janky, but I am too tired to care. Travel safely, gamers.
#pizza tower#peppino spaghetti#now in mcpig's doodles she's called peppina but she has a burger place so is she like. peppina hotdog? i dunno man.#we dubbed her beppa#by ''we'' i mean me and some epic buds of mine#anyway if you ever travel by train for longer than say twenty-hours please take a piss and a shit beforehand. please
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More hand-written fanfiction! (ft. a bubbamiah fic that I impulsively started working on during class and I feel bad for because I'll have to abandon it so that I can finally finish chapter 3 of To be in Love)
#shoot from the hip#inside the mysterious cube#the unrelenting aubergine#sfth fanfiction#junyu's fanfics#sfth ditch#bubbamiah#(ignore how abruptly the bubbamiah ends I had to stop in the middle of a train of thought and never picked it back up again)#I showed my irl friends this the other day and one of them called it “analogue fanfiction”#and I love it so much I think I'm just gonna call it that now#and yes chapter 3 of to be in love is in the works (with like 3k words too :])#I just have a lot planned for this chapter so it's gonna be a lot longer and thereby take more time to write than the other chapters ^^;
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i think ive mentioned this before but i never rode a train by myself. its so overwhelming and a little scary compared to a bus or whatever. so now im browsing tickets (again) and man i really really wanna take one, even a very short one, this upcoming or next weekend. i wanna travel to a nearby town, go get a dinner, have a stroll around and go back.
#pogaduchy#isnt it crazy that there are train rides that are just 15 minutes long?? it takes me longer to ride a bus to a train station than that
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I have to wonder how many people celebrating AI translation also complain about "broken English" and how obvious it is something was Google translated from another language without a fluent English speaker involved to properly clean up the translation/grammar.
Because I bet it's a lot.
I know why execs are all for it—AI is the new buzzword and it lets them cut jobs thus "save" money and not have to worry about pesky labour laws when one employs humans—but everyone else?
There was some outcry when Crunchyroll fired many of their translators in favour of AI translation (with some people to "clean up the AI's work") but I can't help but think that was in part because it was Japanese-to-English and personally affected them. Same when Duolingo fired many of their translators in favour of LLM translation. Meanwhile companies are firing staff when it's English to another language and there's this idea that that's fine or not as big a deal because English is "easy" to translate and/or because people don't think of how it will impact people in non-English countries.
Also it doesn't affect native English speakers so it doesn't get much headway in the news cycle or online anyway because so much of the dominant media is from English-speaking countries and English-speakers dominate social media.
But different languages have different grammar structures that LLMs don't do, and I grew up on "jokes" about people speaking in "broken English" and mocking people who use the wrong word when it was clearly a literal translation but the meaning was obvious long before LLMs were a thing, too. In fact, the specific way a character spoke broken English has been a way to denote their native tongue for decades, usually in a racist way.
Then Google translate came out and "Google-translated English" became an insult for people and criticism of companies because it was clearly wonky to native speakers. Even now, LLMs—which are heavily trained on English compared to other languages—don't have a natural output so native English speakers can clock LLM-generated text if it's longer than a sentence or two.
But, for whatever reason, it's not seen as a problem when it goes the other way because fuck non-English readers or people who want to read in their native tongue I guess.
#and it's not like no people were doing translations so wonky translations were better than nothing#it's actual translators being fired for a subpar replacement#and anyone who keeps their job suddenly being responsible for cleaning up llm output rather than what they trained in#(which can take just as much time or longer than doing the translation by hand from scratch)#(if you want it done right anyway)#hell to this day i hear people complain about written translations of indigenous words and how they 'aren't english enough'#even though they're using the ipa and use a system white english people came up with in the first place#and you can easily look up the proper pronunciation and hear it spoken#but there's such a double-standard where it's expected that other languages cater to english/english speakers#but that grace and accommodation doesn't go the other way#and it's the failing of non-english speakers when an english translation is broken#you see it whenever monolingual english speakers travel to other countries and utterly refuse to learn the language#but if someone doesn't speak in unaccented (to them) english fluently in their home country the person 'isn't trying hard enough'#this is just the new version of that where non-english speakers are supposed to do more work and put up with subpar translations#even as a native english speaker/writer i get a (much) lesser version of this because i write with canadian spelling#and some people get pissed if their internet experience is disrupted by 'ou' instead of 'o' or '-re' instead of '-er'#because dialects and regional phrasing/spelling is a thing#human translators can (or should) be able to account for it but llms are not smart enough to do so#and that's not even getting into slang and how llms don't account for it#or how llms can put slurs into translations because it doesn't do nuance or context and doesn't know the language#if you ever complained about buying something from another country that came with machine-translated instructions#you should be pissed at companies cutting english-to-[language] staff in favour of glorified google translate#because the companies are effectively saying they're fine with non-native speakers getting a wonky/broken version
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Caspian IX & Caspian X
There was a time / I used to look into my father's eyes / In a happy home / I was a king, I had a golden throne / Those days are gone ... I remember how it all changed / My father said / Don't you worry, don't you worry child / See Heaven's got a plan for you /Don't you worry / Don't you worry now
- 'Don't You Worry Child' cover by Kurt Schneider & Sam Tsui
For @an-angels-fury because this song has been making me feel things.
#you are king of a hard people#you are one of the few to take your throne in peace from your father before you#for kinslaying runs in your bloodline#and your son is born#at the cost of your beloved's life#but you love him all the more for the part of her that lives on in his eyes#and you name him after yourself you give him your name so he will be the tenth and there is something special about that you think#he is destined for much good you think#and you will raise him different you tell yourself#he too will take the crown in peace when you die honorably#you dream of stars and a lion and you hear the nursemaid's tales sitting with your boy and you begin to wonder#your brother dismisses the nursemaid without your permission#'the boy is too old he does not need her anymore' miraz says#'i will teach him to be a strong warrior as a telmarine should be'#your little brother has his good moments. he is a powerful soldier. he has more time to teach the boy than you.#you allow it#you regret this later when your son's arm is broken and your brother is the reason why#but your son begs to continue his training#so you allow it#he has a way of looking at you with his big brown eyes#your heart beats unsteady in your chest like it hasn't since you were a boy#you don't want to die with your child only 10 years old#you want to see him for so much longer#you are not ready#the boy knows you are ill and insists on sleeping with you most nights#death comes quiet in the night and leaves the boy alone#you are caspian#you are named after your father and your father will not wake#caspian x#narnia
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I’m just gonna write a little thing! A little thought for Bloom, nothing too intense, just so I don’t forget it!
1000 words later? Whoops
Writing below the cut, major spoilers for the end of Heart of Thorns and implied End of Dragons spoilers but nothing explicit from EoD :]
Bloom
“Kill me, Commander.” Trahearne could hear his own voice tremble, as horror overtook his dear friend’s face. Around them all, their friends— Rytlock, Caithe, Canach, Marjory, Braham— were exhausted. Worn thin by the fight against the jungle dragon, both physical and within the Dream.
“What? No! Mordremoth is dead. We destroyed its mind from the inside.” The commander protested, their fingers curled around the hilt of Caladbolg.
“But I still hear its voice.” Trahearne looked down at his hands, twisted and blighted as they were. His body was not his— he was corrupted. It was only cruel fate that he had kept his mind this long. Or perhaps something more sinister.
“Mordremoth is alive. One last hateful vestige… a terrible seed, planted deep in my mind.”
Trahearne’s hands curled into fist, as he took a deep steadying breath.
“You must kill me, Commander, before that seed grows. Before… before Mordremoth reclaims what it has lost.”
He reached out now, hands on his friend’s shoulders. The tears streaming down their face broke his heart. He did not want this. He didn’t want to hurt them, to see them suffer so.
Trahearne wished there was another way.
“What is left of me can’t survive on its own, my friend.” He croaked, and felt the Commander tremble beneath his hands. Were they always so small?
“Strike now or—“
Against his will, a rage rose up. A sick bile that boiled in his stomach and burned through his chest as his mind lurched.
Through his mouth, Mordremoth spoke.
“I am the future! I am this world! You cannot destroy me!” The dragon roared, hands tightening around the commander.
“Run while you can!” It took everything he had left to force his fingers to uncurl, to release the commander even as the dragon wanted to tear them to shreds to be remade anew.
Caladbolg flashed in the corner of his eye.
“No!” The commander yelled. Strike true my friend! Trahearne wanted to yell. But he couldn’t, and his mind went dark.
There was no great explosion. There was no dying scream.
If you asked those present what happened, none of them gave any concrete answer.
Canach hesitated to answer, but would confirm that Mordremoth was no longer hounding his mind, or any of the sylvari.
All Rytlock would say was that the confrontation wasn’t pretty.
Caithe mourned Trahearne, in her quiet and melancholic manner, and asked not to push the matter further.
Braham would scowl, shake his head, and shove his way past, unwilling or perhaps unable to describe that final blow.
Marjory Delaqua, normally so elegant and clever with her words, who could see the twists of a plot before anyone else— when she was asked, she could only shake her head and reply ‘I don’t know’.
The Commander didn’t answer at all, because no one was able to find them to ask.
Eventually, researchers at the newly established lab of Rata Novus confirmed what the entire world held its breath to hear.
Mordremoth was dead. He had to be, to explain the slow steady trickle of magic escaping the jungle, supposedly as the dragon… decayed wasn’t the right word, but it conveyed the idea well enough. It was a slow death, they said, not quite the explosive reaction from Zhaitan, who had gorged itself on magic before its death, but a gradual decay. It changed things, about magic, about how the people of Tyria and the soon to be established Dragon’s Watch understood the flow of magic around and through the Elder Dragons. But it was dead.
It had to be.
He woke up. His body ached, as it always did, as he woke. A consequence of being too bigsmall. He stirred slowly, limbs stretching out and tail dragging behind. He had buried himself beneath massive vines this time, the weight of them both familiar and restricting. These conflicting sensations, the constant disagreement with himself… it was the only thing he could rely on. Even his name escaped his memory, although he could hear whispers of it on the edges of his mind.
Traherdremaneth.
It didn’t matter, really.
He moved slowly, not truly wanting to rise, but knowing he must.
He was something in between, and there was no stillness for him. No place of his own.
His one companion, if you could call it that, would be upon him soon. A dogged purserer, both a thorn in his side and a trusted ally, trailed behind him. For a time he thought they left him— and the feelings that had wrought left him stationary in a deep cave for nearly a week before they had reappeared.
He didn’t want them close, he knew that much, but they were one of the few things he had, a consistency. He couldn’t see them well, not with the distance between them, but he could always make out the broken blade at their hip. The one that made the scar across his chest ache.
He wondered what would happen if he let them get closer. Would they strike? Would they know him?
They were his enemyfriend. What would they make of him? Caution kept him at a distance from them.
The longer he was awake, the more memories he could half-remember.
The Orrian landscape stretches out before him and it reeks of his sibling, twisting beneath the dirt. The undead don’t notice him, not yet, and he can take a moment to look closer at the coral. It was neither alive nor dead. Not unlike himself and yet so different to him or anything he had ever encountered before.
He missed his siblings, their quiet talks among the then empty roots, among safe coils with their constant presence around him. They were too distant to feel or simply gone now and it unnerved him. This was wrong. Perhaps they could help him make it right.
There was one other thing, other than his sort-of companion and his unsteady roiling mind, that remained constant. And this was the true constant. A steady beacon, that he could not see or hear, but simply felt in a way that he could not describe. A magnetic sort of pull that had him orbiting closer and closer.
It drew him in, out of the depths and dark underbelly of the jungle and the cave systems, towards the strange golden stones, the elegant walls meant to keep out creatures that wished to destroy the beacon. He was not welcome there, not yet, even though he meant no harm. He just needed to be closer.
He didn’t know how he knew that. He just knew it.
#gw2#guild wars 2#batsy writing#bloom my beloved#i should sort out a proper tag for him#the bloom dragon feels too generic but I hesitate to tag it trahearne#even tho technically it is#in a sense#gw2 spoilers#should include that one#im on mobile and i wrote this on google docs in uhhh#two hours? two and half? give or take#tumblr doesnt like my formatting at ALL lmao#i will tag this but with#trahearne#gw2 trahearne#tho bc he does technically appear as himself. briefly#during the painful bit#that dialogue i did go to the wiki for to make sure i remembered it right#so thats. anet dialogue w some batsy flavor for the actions#i tried to keep the commander vague bc i still have no idea who bloom has as a commander#and if ppl wanna imagine their commander w bloom in the meantime then go for it#i used dyraoi for that one drawing but she doesnt fit bloom as well as i hoped#so he continues to just have vague commander shape#which#is a fun challenge#to write without giving too much detail about them#this could be so much longer but i both reached the end of my train of thought and havent decided how i want to handle some stuff#me? rambling in my own tags? more likely than you think#if youve made it this far in the tags hi
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Tagged by @arendaes on this fairy doll maker. I've skipped the last few of these doll makers because I just do not tend to have the kind of really high femme character in play that works on them without feeling really uncanny to me, but I figured I'd give this one an attempt and see how well I could recreate my BG1/2 character's old 2018 design (doodled on scrap paper at work here with a sad attempt at shitty wizard dart).
Not too far off...?
Not tagging folks on this one- forgive me, I'm just not sure who's best for something so specific ^^;; If you want to do it etc.
#if you look at ismene's frilly little outfit and think 'hey emi isn't there another frilly little outfit you draw like that'#the answer is yes. it's recycled from hers. the balthazar blue coat designed in 2021 takes elements of 2018 ismene's silhouette.#oddly ismene's adventuring outfit is more frilly than her civilian clothing#there's some draping and train stuff going on there that couldn't be adapted to the road lmao.#because ismene is such an old character who has had so few iterations I'd like to revisit her design in the future#I'm no longer satisfied with some elements and I think others could be more specific-ish. get fancier with that rapunzel hair.#tag game#ismene#picrews and doll makers#emi art#I guess. lol.#doodles
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'compliments to the chef!' the chef is currently waving around the steak hammer going 'COCK AND BALL TORTURE' so i think i'll let this one slide. have a nice day tho
#i just came round the corner like 'can you do some fries for table- what are you doing.'#literal five year olds im telling you. he even had the grace to look embarrassed#it was so dead today that my manager had me take ALL THE ALCOHOL OFF THE SHELVES AND DUST THEM#it was kinda funny tho bc basically our bartender today was this one lad who's worked there even longer than i have#AND as a full-timer so he's regarded as like a Knows All kind of worker at my place he's very VERY respected#even though he is just some 20-something guy lmao. and on top of him being our best bartender i in comparison am not even bar trained#everything i know about the bar has been picked up on shift just from observing in fact he's taught me 99% of ALL OF IT#so between the two of us it's not even a COMPETITION#like he has me FLOORED when it comes to bar. so it was absolutely a skill thing but the conversation was:#my manager: i need you both to clean the shelves but if there's customers dan will take the bar and hella you clean#my manager: *silent for 2 seconds. eyes widening* IM NOT BEING SEXIST BY THE WAY#LIKE KING NO ONE SAID YOU WERE 😭#i of course jumped on it i was IMMEDIATELY like 'idk mate it sounds like an HR complaint to me'#man was DISTRESSED lmfaooo#hella slaves to capitalism
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how many breakdowns should you have about dropping out before you seriously consider dropping out. asking for a friend teehee
#shock horror. i am not asking for a friend#turns out going to uni bc you had no idea what else to do + taking a course you’re mostly interested in bc you like space#is not necessarily a good idea. who would have thought#see the thing is if this didn’t cost money i wouldn’t be so worried. but i don’t want to keep having this breakdown and eventually drop out#in like a year’s time with twice the amount of debt or whatever#rn now i keep looking on indeed like hmm. i could totally drive trains that would be an amazing idea. driving a milk float!! so slay!!#bc i realised shortly after getting here that i do not want to do a phd which basically rules out any astrophysics jobs#my mum suggested looking at summer placements but quite frankly i need to get a job over summer if i stick with my degree bc i am ✨broke✨#rn i’m saying shit like oh i’ll just write a book and get it published. totally feasible way to make some quick cash (delusional)(knows it)#november has been hell i do not have a draft let alone a book#and i’m tired and i haven’t had a proper meal since thursday and my room is a tip#i‘ve had like three conversations with my friends in the past fortnight and none of them lasted longer than five minutes#i was so fucking excited for uni!! it was going to be so good!! i feel bad for wanting to drop out bc i don’t hate it!!#i just don’t really like it either#god fucking damn it. this shit is worse than a sexuality crisis. at least they had zero real world impact bc i was an antisocial fucker#this is the rest of my fucking life!! the hell!!
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Just because curious! Uhm,, will there be previews on the monster mash set?
Prrrrobably not, its one of those im. Kind of cutting it close time frame wise and will have to post them literally as soon as theyre done cuz ive gotta get up early to vote, try and do at least one load of laundry (if i can afford it), tidy up my half of the room, start either the fright night batch of 24 or something else, and then. Ill be at damis for a couple hours for the sake of my sanity (where i will also be working on whichever set I settle on) and then hopefully. God willing. Ill be on a train at 3:30pm on Wednesday
#i cant even relax then either orz#newt ooc#really wish my body would stop deciding when to take breaks for me bc the amount of time i lost in october is#the reason im in such a crunch NOW.#anyway the reason for the rush is because i still havent been able to get my train ticket#cuz im still trying to get the last of my bills covered#and since i can no longer do half flying/half train i have to leave a full day earlier than plann3d#(bc plane tickets even just for halfway are now more than it would cost just to take the train the whole way#i hate traveling when poor brother#also sorry for the dump im just in hell and cant not talk about it or ill be in more hell
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i have an extremely vivid memory of reading a post you made probably a while ago about how you hate the way people talk about & mistreat chihuahuas. i think it stuck with me bc im not a dog person and never thought about the way they get treated much. but anyway everytime i see a picture of baked potato i smile firstly because he's a beautiful gorgeous boy and secondly because i know he's being treated right!! like any dog deserves!! awesome dog
🥺🥺🥺 do u mean that fr. cryign. thank u so much for this
#i get moments where i worry im not doing right by him (his nails. trimming those goddamn nails. theyre longer than they should be#& he has trouble getting around the house (doesnt like floors) that i can and have been working on with training but i feel like i dont#spend enough time doing it. etc etc theres other stuff but. yeah)#and like. i KNOW i take pretty good care of him but yeah. its hard sometimes. so i really appreciate this#fyi he’s sleeping on my chest in the crook of my upper arm/shoulder rn. with his little head under my chin#but yeah thank u i appreciate this a lot more than i can say#its neat to hear that post stuck in your head. im glad it did! i dont want everyone to adore chihuahuas/small dogs the way i do#but i would really like for people to be more respectful of them & their space & needs. and not needlessly antagonize or manhandle them#anyway. yeah. ty :)#baked potato
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#graham calloway#gifs#many thoughts#first i was thinking how i hate the way s3 ends#the reveal deflated my enthusiasm SO much but i always begrudgingly accept it because#at the end of the day its thematically cohesive and helps move the story fine and thematic cohesion matters more to me#the crackle rod reveal however! is thank ! he's not dead + does not negate the choices and consequences of dark! carmen getting it#and reveals that he has changed in ways that impact people other than carmen and of his own volition since NO ONE KNEW HE DID IT#and this choice ends up saving his life and allowing him to have a true fresh start#plus add another to the headcanon that carmen won a little too easily on the train because gray knows how to throw a dude his size#and who is actively resisting him#Attempt is still an attempt and she should absolutely take it personally but for runtimes sake aside its laughable how short the fight is#no offense to miss carmens own fighting skills but almost every other agent she goes against can hold their own a bit longer#and i don't think gray is technically any worse than them#also gray and his absolute conviction in what type of person he is and slowly changing for the better anyways#little dude#digs a hole to rock bottom and then goes hahaha what if i became less terrible without anyone noticing#carmen sandiego 2019
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It's just amazing to me that all the people who were having complete meltdowns in February over a video game are now on this website spitting some of the most vile, heinous, antisemitic rhetoric, is all.
#It's just. You know. What it is.#Masks off and all that#From 'this video game kills Jews' to 'yeah actually... we SHOULD annihilate them all! Brilliant'#Like it really didn't take long at all for those masks to come off.#It's just that I think you can make your point without all the 'actually we should wipe Israel+ Israelites + Jews off the face of the earth#Not even touching the people who have boiled this conflict down to 'Israel and Jews bad because white and Palestine good because brown'#Because people on Tumblr have been saying for years that the Holocaust doesn't count because 'it happened to white people/Jews are white'#Which is an entirely different can of ignorance (and I've already reblogged posts on the matter of Jewish ethnicity)#And to the people who I know will have knee-jerk responses to this:#Firstly temper yourself and use your brain please#Secondly I'm not saying all the Pro-Palestine people say this.#Just that there is a very large amount of real and vile antisemitism#And a lot of it is being propagated by the same people who back in February#Harassed people under the guise of 'this game is antisemitic' (even when actual Jews disagreed)#And who then immediately jumped on the 'Israel bad and also Jews bad and also we should get rid of them forever' train.#Like hopefully even the Pro-Palestine people can understand why that's Wrong. Hopefully.#Also do not even with the 'but that's not happening Cheyenne' because yes it is even if you don't want to face the realities of antisemitis#And the forms it takes. How deeply hated Jews still are by society--and not just Western society.#And also you know what while I dig myself a hole tonight:#Jewish people have existed in Israel longer than Christians and Muslims have existed PERIOD#And I am so over the horrible nonsensical comparisons North Americans try to make to the colonisation of the Americas by Europeans.#It is NOT the same thing and I say this as a First Nations woman with two history degrees; a classics degree; and a JD.#You sound ignorant. You are ignorant. Stop it.
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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